To: Brad
Blackstone
From:
Camille Chua
Date: 12
September 2016
Subject:
Camille’s Introduction
Dear Brad,
I am Camille Chua from Sustainable Infrastructure
Engineering (Building Services) SIE2016 Group 5. My The purpose of this email is to
introduce myself, my educational background, my interests as well as my goals and
aims in SIT and the future.
I graduated from Temasek Polytechnic’s Integrated Facility
Management back in May 2016. As my course was in the School of Engineering, I took some related modules back then such as Engineering maths and Building
Information modelling. In addition to that, I also took modules related to management
and airport operations.
My interests include
travelling, hanging out with my friends and doing sports such as freestyle skating
and reading. All these helps me to These activities help me to relax and take stress out of my mind when I have
to. I would like to take on new interests such as joining the adventure club
and community service club in SIT to make new friends and make life in SIT a
more memorable one.
I have aspirations to be a part of the facility management
team in the airport one day. Thus, my goals for studying in this SIT program are
to acquire the knowledge and technical skills required for my future career as
well as to pick up interpersonal skills. Also, through projects and the interest
groups, I hope that I will be able to strengthen my skills in working as a team
and communicating well with others. Lastly, I hope that my university life would be
a fruitful one.
Thank you for taking time to read my email.
Yours Sincerely,
Camille Chua
Edited: 19/09/16
Commented on Xian Jing's post.
Edited: 19/09/16
Commented on Xian Jing's post.
This is a very fine letter, Camille. It's well organized, clear and concise yet comprehensive. I'm happy to know that you have quite a few extracurricular interests and that you have a keen focus on self development.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few problems with phrasing and other aspects of language use that you can take note of:
1) My purpose of this email is to introduce myself... >>> The purpose of this email is to introduce myself....
2) interests >>> my interests (to keep the parallelism)
3) under engineering school >>> in the engineering school / in the School of Engineering
4) Engineering maths and Building Information modeling >>>
Engineering Mathematics and Building Information Modeling
5) ...doing sports such as freestyle skating and reading. >>> ...and doing sports such as freestyle skating and reading.
6) All these helps ... >>> ?
Thanks again for your hard work!
Hi Camille,
ReplyDeleteIt was nice reading your email and I can say I know more about you now. Your email is clear and well organised. I also graduated from Temasek Polytechnic but from the course; Green Building & Sustainability and likewise I took Engineering Math and Building Information Modelling.
There are some sentences which I felt that could be written in a better way hence I have listed them down below. Do have a look.
1) As my course was under engineering school => As my course was in the School of Engineering
2) I did take some related modules back then => I took some related modules back then
3) Thus my goals => Thus, my goals
4) communicating with others => communicating well with others
Thank you, Camille, for the revision!
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the advice!
ReplyDelete